Whatifs

Shel Silverstein's poem "Whatif" says it best:

"Last night, while I lay thinking here
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:"

The Whatifs in my head must be on Bourbon Street in New Orleans because it is a constant party of questions:

Whatif six more months go by, and I still don't have a full-time job? Whatif I get do get a job, but it is not what I want to do? Whatif I need to commute? Whatif I move because the commute is too long? Whatif my relationship doesn't survive long-distance? Whatif I miss my family? Whatif I am forced to quit my part-time job? Whatif my car breaks down and I don't have the money to buy a new one? Whatif I live in the city and don't need a car? Whatif I stress myself out thinking about these things, for no reason at all?

I am the type of person who likes having order in my personal life (in the professional world I know that things can switch gears in seconds). I like to plan things before I take action and if the agenda starts to change, my blood pressure rises. What kills me right now is that, at 22 years-old, I cannot figure out any solid plans for where my life is going. The only solid element to my life is the roof over my head--my parent's roof no less.

My future is kind of like dominoes, one thing cannot fall into place, without another preceding it. I would love to move into my own apartment in the city. However, before I can do that, I need to buy a reliable car to get me to the city which means I need to build up a savings account, in order to build a savings account, I need to be working in a full-time position. Finally, for me to be a full-time employee, a company needs to hire me, which also requires them to see my qualifications and potential.

I know things will happen eventually. I need to be patient and remind myself that life cannot be planned. Life is not about the Whatifs, but all about the Whatares.

Musical Time Machine

Unfortunately, science has not yet found a way to teleport me from April 2010 back to February 1995 to watch my second grade class' Valentine's Day play where I starred as the mail carrier who slips on ice (some things never change!) and mixes up all of the valentines. I can't go back to our annual family vacation to the Cape in August 1996 where I met one of my best friends and we spent hours playing spit, manhunt with our brothers and sisters, and fishing to catch THE bass. And sadly no matter what I do, I cannot travel back to 2000 to change the fact that I had the thickest eyebrows and was the tallest girl, if not person, in the entire seventh grade. However, there is different way that we can go back in time: we can listen to music.

It's funny because with all of the music I have heard in my lifetime, there are only certain songs that I will hear and be instantly brought back to my fondest memory of the tune. The other day I heard Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" while in the shower and the whole time I was thinking I was driving down Atwood Ave. in Cranston, on my way to get my hair done for senior prom blasting that song until my speakers blew out. I want to go back to 1993? I will listen to Ace of Base's "The Sign" because my best friend made me a copy of her cassette tape. I treated that tape like it was gold.

Choose any song off of Mariah Carey's Music Box album and it will take me back to 1994 and 1995. That same best friend and I would change into our "dress up" clothes, mine being a hot pink bikini top and a short navy blue skirt from Gap Kids (totally not appropriate for a seven-year-old!) and we would dance around her living room blasting that album. Our favorite song being "Hero" for which we had special dance moves, i.e. flaunting our muscles when she sang "look inside you and be strong"....clever, I know.

Travel back to that summer on the Cape? I listen to "Now and Then" by Susanna Hoffs. We played that song on repeat every day while laying out tanning in the bog. Or I could also listen to "Chantilly Lace" by the Big Bopper because my friend's brother would lip-sync to it which is amazing blackmail. Or maybe even "Splish Splash" by Bobby Darin because my friend also danced to that. I believe there are too many songs that bring me back to that vacation.

What about the later years? 2002? "Keeping It Gangsta" by Fabolous and "Batter Up" by Nelly because my brother and I listened to those every day while he drove us to high school. 2004? "Cha Cha Slide" by MC Lite. While driving down to Washington D.C. on a school trip, my friend and I listened to this and acted out the entire dance to the whole bus. "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot was also out in 2004 and brings me back to when I was crushing on the guy I went to every dance with who got me into the band in the first place.

The other day while I was on the elliptical at the gym "What A Feeling" by Peter Luts and Dominico came on my iPod. All of a sudden I felt like I had been transformed into a huge, crowded space, with lights shining to the beat of the music and dancing and singing on stage with my closest college friends. I was at Toads Place in either 2007, 2008, or 2009 since that is a standard song played at Toads. If I want to go back to Hula Hanks in the fall of 2007 right after I came back from my month long mono hiatus, I listen to Wyclef Jean's "Sweetest Girl" and Kanye West's "Good Life." Of course I listen to "I'm in Miami Bitch" by LMFAO and I am instantly transported to the front seat of Mike's white BMW convertible driving down Collin's Ave on spring break 2009 in Miami.

There are so many songs that can bring me back in time that there is no way I could even list them all! I think songs help our memories though. Music will always be around, but our memories will not. If we can relate the good times in our life to a song then the chances of us remembering will be greater. For this, I am very thankful for the music in my life.

Sing on. Dance on. Remember on.

Someone Needs to Nag Me...

"And by the way, everything in life is writeable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." --Sylvia Plath

I have a plot summary, characters, and character traits for a novel, but I just can't seem to actually start writing. Is it self-doubt? No. I'm confident that I will be able to create fictional scenes that are entertaining and relatable enough for any woman to read. Is it because I don't have the time? Absolutely not! With all the time I have, I should have had at least two books written by now! So is it because I don't have the 'outgoing guts?' Maybe.

Wanting to write a novel is a lot easier said than done. I want to do it, but then I have other thoughts such as, will this ever get published? How long will it take to complete the process? Will it be as successful as I hope? I need to start thinking more in the small picture instead of the overall novel. First thing's first: I need to find the discipline to actually start writing! If someone gave me a deadline for when this book would need to be completed by, I would have no problems getting the work done. Since my own deadlines keep getting delayed, my computer screen is empty. I have had this idea for almost a year now and have still yet to do anything about it. I need someone to ask me every night how much work I got done that day. Any takers?

Life Comes At You Fast

It's amazing how fast your life can change in a matter of seconds. You can get a job promotion, win the lottery or become engaged and instantly, your life is different. You can also be killed by a drunk driver.

Last night, my sister was lucky enough to merely escape what could have been a life-threatening, if not fatal, accident. Her and her boyfriend were leaving a Massachusetts bar around 1 a.m. after hanging out with a bunch of friends. Her sober driving boyfriend pulled out onto the neighborhood road and out of nowhere, they were hit by a car going about 70 mph. The woman driving the other car got out and started to run in the other direction because she knew she was drunk. Luckily, the police were able to catch up to her to make the arrest. Though visibly shaken up, my sister and boyfriend were able to walk away from the crash with only minor bumps and bruises. The woman hit them on the front passenger's side so hard that the license plate was knocked off and landed 30 feet away. If the accident had occurred one second later, who knows what kinds of injuries my sister would have been faced with. Fortunately that is something my family will not have to deal with.

Drunk driving is and will always be something I am cautious of. Not only with myself, but with other drivers on the road. When I go out for a few drinks I know when to stop so that I am still able to get myself and my passengers home safely. However, sometimes when I do the right thing, there are others on the road who make the drive home more dangerous. It's the woman who decides to have one more glass of wine at dinner and crosses the yellow line, or the man who ordered one more shot of Jack and passes out at the wheel only to slam into the side of your car at an intersection.

My sister's accident, while to some may seem minor, still reminds me that I am thankful for the outcome. Today, I kept thinking of what could have been and how in a matter of seconds, my world could have been turned upside down. I had just talked to her about 3 hours prior and everything was great. I couldn't help but go through of all the things I don't say to her enough--how much I miss her being in the room next to mine, how much I love and appreciate our relationship, how she is my inspiration and role model for everything I do. Thankfully I will have many more opportunities to tell her these things, but it is important to remember that being blessed for "close calls" is much better than being sorry for the "what ifs".

Tic-Tock Tic-Tock

"The future has a way of arriving unannounced"--George F. Will

It's already the second week in March of 2010 and I have yet to find a full-time job. It has been 10 months since I graduated. 10 months, close to 150 jobs applied to, one face-to-face interview (which lead to one MAJOR disappointment) and 2 weeks of freelancing. Where does that leave me? Still unemployed. Still living at home in Rhode Island. Still spending hours on end applying to every job I could possibly be qualified for in the communications field, until my eyes start crossing from staring at the computer screen for such a long time.

If I was asked a year ago where I thought my life would be 10 months post graduation, I would have said, "living in my studio apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, writing for one of the top-named magazines during the day, while staying up to all hours of the night creating the lives of fictional characters in my romantic literary masterpiece-to-be." Never did I imagine I would still be out of a job.

Rejection is of course, the worst part of the job search. Because I have not received much positive feedback, or any feedback for that matter, it is hard not to take it personally. I am constantly updating both my resume and cover letter, but what else can I do to make employers see that I am the one they should hire? I know that once I get into an interview situation, I can win them over with my personality and skills. The hardest part is getting the opportunity to do so.

People keep saying, "Oh don't worry, you will land something soon." Yes, I know I will get a job, but the question at stake here is WHEN? I'm not worried about never getting a job, I'm worried about not having a job right now. In ten years or so, I will be taking over Fraser Communications Group, the company my father recently started, so the long-term future is covered. It's just these next few years that I need to fill with a position. I am ready for that next chapter in life so I can look forward to what's to come. However, the future is approaching at a rapid speed and I am stuck in the slow-motion of the present.

A Year-Round Haunted House

Simply stated: my house is haunted.

I was reminded of this fact last night when I awoke at 2:25 a.m. to the sound scuffled feet walking towards me. I jumped up out of my slumber because I thought it was one of my parents waking me up to tell me something. Then I rolled over to see the clock and realized that both my mom and dad would be sound asleep at that time of the morning. The thought of it being a ghost crossed my mind and somehow I felt comforted enough to fall back to sleep.

In the past twenty-three years since my parents built the house, we have experienced a variety of paranormal activity. Everything from hearing voices and footsteps, to seeing faces, and even having flowers arrangements taken out of their vases. Usually the activity comes in spurts of a weekend or a few days in a row. About five years ago on a Friday night, my dad woke up in the middle of the night and heard my keyboard play five distinct notes in a row. He got out of bed and walked towards the hallway and heard the same five notes play again. Then it stopped. The even weirder part? The keyboard was underneath my bed, not plugged into the outlet and did not have batteries in it. The next day after my father explained this experience to us, my brother, my sister, my friend, and I were all hanging out watching television. All of a sudden my answering machine went off without the phone ringing first. Trying to be funny, my brother said, "Okay if there is really a ghost in this house do that again." Sure enough within fifteen seconds, the machine went off again. We all looked around to each other in shock and bolted up the stairs thinking we would be safe if we were out of the room.

You may be skeptical, but I have had enough personal experiences to believe that these are signs from people beyond. Does it scare me? A little bit, however none of the activities have been threatening. Instead, I believe that my family's "ghost" is or are deceased loved ones who are checking in on us and maybe even playing little tricks to let us know they are still with us.

Valentines Shmalentines

So you may think that I'm bitter for this title, but am I? Absolutely not. In fact, I enjoy being single! Of course I wouldn't mind having someone to spend the "holiday" with, especially when all of my friends go on dates with their boyfriends, but I mostly think the day is completely overrated. I think Feb. 14th more or less stresses everyone out. Those who are coupled up worry about getting the perfect gift to satisfy their significant other and go to great lengths getting reservations for two, at the hottest, up-scale restaurant in town. On the other side, women who are single are reminded that the highlight of their evening will be finishing the bottle of Shiraz while crying their eyes out to My Best Friend's Wedding, wishing they had someone next to them in bed. The majority of women cannot stand being alone on this Hallmark holiday and even 15 percent send flowers to themselves on the dreaded day!

Being single is something that I am okay with because at this time in my life it's just not practical. My near future is still so up-in-the-air that it wouldn't seem fair to bring a man into that unknown world of mine. However, it would be nice to go on dates every now and then just to have fun. The serious stuff can be saved for the future. But do people even "date" anymore? It seems like nowadays the whole courting ritual has been replaced with "hooking up". For instance, a common first date would be to go out for a nice casual dinner and then hit up a bar for drinks after that. Yet, as my 78-year-old nana told me, "Kimmy, make sure you don't drink too much on the first date because that always leads to the bedroom" (talk about post-conversation awkward silence!). Even she knows that on a first date, each person at some point, wonders if there will be a kiss at the doorstep or if you will wake up next to them in the morning. Between my friends and I, there is not a time that I know of, where one of us has had a first date that ended in something less than at least a kiss. Does that make us trampy? Well, maybe some more than others, but I won't get into that. I think it just means that the expectations of dating have changed.

So as this Sunday approaches, I am going to stick to my beliefs and treat it as any other day of the week because there will come a time, where I will have a special Valentine at my side and I will still think it's uneccessary to have one day dedicated to love. I'd rather show my love every day. Although I guess if my boyfriend/fiance/husband absolutely insists on getting me something, I'll only allow a box of chocolates and a bouquet of lillies. I'm a sucker for either of those!

Resolutions

It's a new year, which means new resolutions...for some of us. I find if funny that everyone goes crazy over coming up with a resolution. The most popular one probably being hitting the gym for the "tourist season." These are the people who show up Jan. 1st ready to shed the holiday pounds. They stick around for maybe about three weeks and then life gets too busy and SNAP--the resolution is broken. So why even make a resolution? I never make one because I am not disciplined enough to keep one. Also, shouldn't I try to better my life every day instead of just once a year? OK, OK, I know it's a new year, with that brings change, but it's only a new year for so long. Then it just becomes another year in history.

One of the definitions of "resolution" at dictionary.com is a determination. That makes me think that people are not happy until they accomplish whatever it is they need to do. But how many people actually follow through with their new year's resolution? So instead of coming up with a silly resolution, I am going to make a list of goals. If I get any accomplished this year then I'll give myself a pat on the back; if not, then so be it. No harm done.